For the first time in my life, I think I've been having what some people might call a "recurring dream." It doesn't happen every night, and the details aren't always the same, but the pattern and the message is. I've had the dream about five times now, spread out over the course of my pregnancy. It's rather bizarre!
Since half of the reason why I'm writing this blog is for journaling purposes, I wanted to write about this dream mostly for my own sake--so I hope I don't wierd anyone out too much!
The dream usually starts out with me going into active labor. I go to the hospital--which always looks different with each new dream--and things get going. Strangely, I never remember the actual birth. My dream always skips that part, and the next thing I know, it's the next day, and I have no clue how the actual birth went. However, my body always feels fantastic, even though I've just given birth, and I start to do crazy things--like leave the hospital to run races with my sister-in-law or go to work. One time I gave birth the day before Thanksgiving (that's the week I'm actually due) and decided it would be a good idea to go to RC Willey and buy a TV the next day. I stood in the customer service line for an hour and a half, and I felt so proud of the fact that you would never know that I had just pushed a human being out of my body.
This time, I delivered my baby via C-section, at 20 weeks along (which is about where I'm at right now). In real life, I am terrified of having a c-section! I mean, I know I would survive if I ever had to have one, but I am still quite scared of the whole thing. But in my dream, I was perfectly calm and happy with it. I knew exactly why we needed the surgery, and I agreed that it was necessary. I remember up to the point where they were making the incision, and then--nothing. The next thing I remember is seeing our baby girl, dressed in adorable pink clothes and looking like she was perfectly healthy and fat, even though she was 20 weeks premature.
Again, even though I had just had a major surgery, I felt fabulous! I went back to work at my old job the next day, and I did a great job teaching and interacting with the kids. No one even asked where my baby belly went. I could feel the healing wound, but it didn't hurt at all.
By the end of the day, the memory of yesterday's events finally impact me. I just gave birth. I have a brand new baby at home, which I haven't seen all day. My body just went through a major surgery. Why am I working? I don't belong here, doing busy-people things. I belong at home, resting and bonding with my newborn. Just because my body feels energetic and carefree doesn't mean that I don't need to be doing new-mommy things. I need to go home to my baby.
These dreams always end that way--with the realization that, even though my body feels perfect and full of energy, I still need to be home, resting and taking care of the new child in my life.
I wonder what my subconscious is telling me here. Do I just want a positive birth and after-birth experience so badly that I'm creating this scenario over and over again when I sleep? Or is there a deeper meaning somewhere?