So for my second Thoughtful Thursday, I wanted to share one of my favorite Mormon Messages. I know I've posted it on Facebook before, but it's nice to revisit it. Here you go. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l70e1TfN34w
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Book Project: Cheaper by the Dozen
You might be rolling your eyes and saying "Another book project post, really?" Yes, really. I do have a lot of books to get through, and I just happen to have finished several of the small ones in the last week. So bear with me, you'll be hearing a lot about books for awhile. At least this one is short and sweet. :)
So today it's Cheaper by the Dozen by Frank Gilbreth, Jr. and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey. It's a true story about an exceptionally large family and their exceptionally eccentric father. Mr. Gilbreth was a motion-study expert who travels all over the country helping factories speed production by eliminating needless motions and refining the practability of their machines. He believed that the way factories and families should run by the same methods, and brought up his children accordingly. This book is both heartwarming and hilarious.
I know that the above synopsis is a very poor one. But in order to convey how interesting and funny this book is, I would have to type up actual passages from the story...which I really don't have the energy for right now. So I'm just going to say that this book is lighthearted, laugh-out-loud funny, and well worth reading. I fully plan on reading this to my children, when they are old enough, and I'm sure that we will laugh ourselves to pieces over it! Five stars for Cheaper by the Dozen!
So today it's Cheaper by the Dozen by Frank Gilbreth, Jr. and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey. It's a true story about an exceptionally large family and their exceptionally eccentric father. Mr. Gilbreth was a motion-study expert who travels all over the country helping factories speed production by eliminating needless motions and refining the practability of their machines. He believed that the way factories and families should run by the same methods, and brought up his children accordingly. This book is both heartwarming and hilarious.
I know that the above synopsis is a very poor one. But in order to convey how interesting and funny this book is, I would have to type up actual passages from the story...which I really don't have the energy for right now. So I'm just going to say that this book is lighthearted, laugh-out-loud funny, and well worth reading. I fully plan on reading this to my children, when they are old enough, and I'm sure that we will laugh ourselves to pieces over it! Five stars for Cheaper by the Dozen!
Book Project: How to Win Friends and Influence People
The third book I've finished as part of my book project is How to Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. I found this book very interesting, especially since I just read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Though Covey and Carnegie use very different language, some of the practices they preach are very similar. However, Covey focuses much more on the private victory, and viewed his habits in light of helping you lead a more fulfilling, effective life. Carnegie focuses completely on the Public victory; and while the steps outlined in his book are geared to help you achieve results in your life that lead to greater prosperity and happiness, it is completely outward. There is no inward examination in his program. Nevertheless, I think his book can help one do exactly what it says--win friends and influence people.
He divides his book into four different parts: how to handle people, how to get people to like you, how to win people to your way of thinking, and how to be a leader. Each part outlines specific steps to help you achieve each ability. For example, the steps in part two consist of being genuinely interested in other people, smiling, learning to remember and use a person's name (I need help with that one!), being a good listener, talking about the other person's interests, and making the other person feel important. He supports each step with a great deal of empirical data and examples from history and from people who have taken his courses and implemented his suggestions.
Today, I'm just going to share a few brief quotes, representing some of the lessons that really struck me.
In chapter two of part one, he shares a quote from John Dewey which I really identified with: "The deepest urge in human nature is "the desire to be important."" Yes, the desire for importance plays a key role in the decisions we make every day. But is it really the "deepest urge"? Is there anything that goes deeper? One might say the desire to be loved is deeper, but it seems to be the same thing; we feel loved when we know that we matter, that we are important to that person, that it makes a difference when we aren't there. One might also submit that the desire to be happy is the deepest desire, but it is very hard, I think, to be happy without at least some feeling of importance.
Carnegie then goes a step further and says that without this desire to be important, civilization could not exist, and there would be nothing setting us apart from the animals. I don't know if I agree with this, either. Don't the animals have some sense of importance? Two males compete for a female in order to show which deserves to be her mate--isn't this a form of trying to be important? On the human side, I don't know if I can picture a civilization forming because people want to appear important; however, I can picture it forming out of a need for common necessities like food, clothing, order, justice, and protection. None of those seem to have very much to do with importance.
This is something that I'm still thinking through...if anyone has another view on this subject, I welcome your comments!
I'd like to share one more quote. Though Carnegie does not cite the source, I looked it up online and found it was from Stephen Grellet. It reads: "I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."
I loved this beautiful quote. It is a reminder that time is short. We cannot very often make up lost opportunities to make a positive difference. We must do it now. Like Jose Alonso, a member of the Quorum of the Seventy, counseled in the October 2011 General Conference, "Let us do the right thing, at the right time, without delay.
I really enjoyed this book! Thanks for reading!
He divides his book into four different parts: how to handle people, how to get people to like you, how to win people to your way of thinking, and how to be a leader. Each part outlines specific steps to help you achieve each ability. For example, the steps in part two consist of being genuinely interested in other people, smiling, learning to remember and use a person's name (I need help with that one!), being a good listener, talking about the other person's interests, and making the other person feel important. He supports each step with a great deal of empirical data and examples from history and from people who have taken his courses and implemented his suggestions.
Today, I'm just going to share a few brief quotes, representing some of the lessons that really struck me.
In chapter two of part one, he shares a quote from John Dewey which I really identified with: "The deepest urge in human nature is "the desire to be important."" Yes, the desire for importance plays a key role in the decisions we make every day. But is it really the "deepest urge"? Is there anything that goes deeper? One might say the desire to be loved is deeper, but it seems to be the same thing; we feel loved when we know that we matter, that we are important to that person, that it makes a difference when we aren't there. One might also submit that the desire to be happy is the deepest desire, but it is very hard, I think, to be happy without at least some feeling of importance.
Carnegie then goes a step further and says that without this desire to be important, civilization could not exist, and there would be nothing setting us apart from the animals. I don't know if I agree with this, either. Don't the animals have some sense of importance? Two males compete for a female in order to show which deserves to be her mate--isn't this a form of trying to be important? On the human side, I don't know if I can picture a civilization forming because people want to appear important; however, I can picture it forming out of a need for common necessities like food, clothing, order, justice, and protection. None of those seem to have very much to do with importance.
This is something that I'm still thinking through...if anyone has another view on this subject, I welcome your comments!
I'd like to share one more quote. Though Carnegie does not cite the source, I looked it up online and found it was from Stephen Grellet. It reads: "I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."
I loved this beautiful quote. It is a reminder that time is short. We cannot very often make up lost opportunities to make a positive difference. We must do it now. Like Jose Alonso, a member of the Quorum of the Seventy, counseled in the October 2011 General Conference, "Let us do the right thing, at the right time, without delay.
I really enjoyed this book! Thanks for reading!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Thoughtful Thursday
Have you ever noticed how bloggers like to have a day of the week dedicated to a specific subject? Like Top Tip Tuesday, or Friday Favorites, or Molly Maid Monday. Well, I decided that I would make every Thursday a Thoughtful Thursday, where I will briefly share something inspiring.
Yesterday, my good friend told me about a website called whoisamy.com. She is a writer of very interesting books and doer of very interesting deeds. She also makes inspiring videos. This is my favorite, so far. It is called The Kindness Thought Bubble. I felt really moved and inspired when I watched it. I hope you will, too!
Yesterday, my good friend told me about a website called whoisamy.com. She is a writer of very interesting books and doer of very interesting deeds. She also makes inspiring videos. This is my favorite, so far. It is called The Kindness Thought Bubble. I felt really moved and inspired when I watched it. I hope you will, too!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Book Project: The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
This was the first book I finished for my Book Project. I actually finished it a while ago, but it's taken me until now to write about it. This was the perfect book to get me motivated! I read and loved the teens version when I was, well, a teen, so reading the "grown up" version was very interesting and fun.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, here they are:
1. Be Proactive
2. Begin with the End in Mind
3. Put First Things First
4. Think Win/Win
5. Seek First to Understand, Then be Understood
6. Synergize
7. Sharpen the Saw
It's not my purpose to give a full-on summary of the principles taught in this book, so I'm just going to highlight a few that really changed my thoughts and attitude about life in general.
I learned a lot about thinking Win/Win. Covey spends a lot of time talking about how two people's ideas and needs can be combined to create solutions that are better than either of them could invent alone. I plan on applying this in more ways than one. For example, my husband and I have this silly conversation every Friday and Saturday night. It goes something like this:
Me: "What would you like to do tonight, honey?"
Tyler: "I want to do what you want to do."
Me: "Well, I don't know what I want to do. I'm good with whatever. So what do you want to do?"
Tyler: "I just want to spend time with you. I'm good with whatever, too. So really, what do you want to do?"
This usually continues until one or the other gives in and suggests something to do, for the sake of ending such a meangingless conversation. We sound like the vultures in Jungle Book, and it bugs the heck out of me. This might seem like a very trivial way to apply the win/win principle, but I think we can use it to start communicating better and come up with activities that both of us really want to do. :)
I think one of the wisest principles of this book is Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then be understood. I've never forgotten the cover page of this chapter in the teens version. It says, "You have two ears and one mouth-HELLO!" It is so tempting to do the opposite. I worry so much about people understanding me that I often walk away from a new acquaintance and realize that I had told them plenty about my life without troubling to remember the details of theirs. I really need to work on this!
My favorite and most life-changing epiphany I had was on being proactive. Lately, I've been rather reactive, and this always results in frequent spurts of frustration and grouchiness when things don't go my way (which they often don't). In the last chapter of The Seven Habits, Covey relates an experience he had with a paragraph from a book. Strangely, he didn't include the actual quote, but he explains what it said in a way that I love. He says:
"I read the paragraph over and over again. It basically contained the simple idea that there is a gap or space between stimulus and response, and that the key to growth and happiness is how we use that space. I can hardly describe the effect that idea had on my mind...I reflected on it again and again, and it began to have a powerful effect on my paradigm of life. It was as if I had become an observer of my own participation. I began to stand in that gap and to look outside at the stimuli. I reveled in the inward sense of freedom to choose my response--even to become the stimulus, or at least to influence it--even to reverse it." (pg. 310)
This is a powerful idea. The best thing is, it's a very easy one to remember. Just keeping that phrase in my head--"the space between stimulus and response"--helps me to choose my actions much more carefully. I love the thought of standing in that space and considering my options before acting.
Overall, I really feel that my experience with The Seven Habits has changed me for the better. Before I read this book, I was feeling sorry for myself and a little stuck. I felt like my identity was becoming lost among the endless piles of dirty diapers and dirty dishes (I'm sure you moms have never felt like that before ;) ). I still feel that way, sometimes. But mostly I feel empowered, purposeful, and important in my own little sphere of living, and this book, combining with other inspiring influences, helped me feel it. Thanks, Mr. Covey!
p.s. Reviews on Emily Dickinson's poetry and Napoleon Hill's How to Win Friends and Influence People coming soon!
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, here they are:
1. Be Proactive
2. Begin with the End in Mind
3. Put First Things First
4. Think Win/Win
5. Seek First to Understand, Then be Understood
6. Synergize
7. Sharpen the Saw
It's not my purpose to give a full-on summary of the principles taught in this book, so I'm just going to highlight a few that really changed my thoughts and attitude about life in general.
I learned a lot about thinking Win/Win. Covey spends a lot of time talking about how two people's ideas and needs can be combined to create solutions that are better than either of them could invent alone. I plan on applying this in more ways than one. For example, my husband and I have this silly conversation every Friday and Saturday night. It goes something like this:
Me: "What would you like to do tonight, honey?"
Tyler: "I want to do what you want to do."
Me: "Well, I don't know what I want to do. I'm good with whatever. So what do you want to do?"
Tyler: "I just want to spend time with you. I'm good with whatever, too. So really, what do you want to do?"
This usually continues until one or the other gives in and suggests something to do, for the sake of ending such a meangingless conversation. We sound like the vultures in Jungle Book, and it bugs the heck out of me. This might seem like a very trivial way to apply the win/win principle, but I think we can use it to start communicating better and come up with activities that both of us really want to do. :)
I think one of the wisest principles of this book is Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then be understood. I've never forgotten the cover page of this chapter in the teens version. It says, "You have two ears and one mouth-HELLO!" It is so tempting to do the opposite. I worry so much about people understanding me that I often walk away from a new acquaintance and realize that I had told them plenty about my life without troubling to remember the details of theirs. I really need to work on this!
My favorite and most life-changing epiphany I had was on being proactive. Lately, I've been rather reactive, and this always results in frequent spurts of frustration and grouchiness when things don't go my way (which they often don't). In the last chapter of The Seven Habits, Covey relates an experience he had with a paragraph from a book. Strangely, he didn't include the actual quote, but he explains what it said in a way that I love. He says:
"I read the paragraph over and over again. It basically contained the simple idea that there is a gap or space between stimulus and response, and that the key to growth and happiness is how we use that space. I can hardly describe the effect that idea had on my mind...I reflected on it again and again, and it began to have a powerful effect on my paradigm of life. It was as if I had become an observer of my own participation. I began to stand in that gap and to look outside at the stimuli. I reveled in the inward sense of freedom to choose my response--even to become the stimulus, or at least to influence it--even to reverse it." (pg. 310)
This is a powerful idea. The best thing is, it's a very easy one to remember. Just keeping that phrase in my head--"the space between stimulus and response"--helps me to choose my actions much more carefully. I love the thought of standing in that space and considering my options before acting.
Overall, I really feel that my experience with The Seven Habits has changed me for the better. Before I read this book, I was feeling sorry for myself and a little stuck. I felt like my identity was becoming lost among the endless piles of dirty diapers and dirty dishes (I'm sure you moms have never felt like that before ;) ). I still feel that way, sometimes. But mostly I feel empowered, purposeful, and important in my own little sphere of living, and this book, combining with other inspiring influences, helped me feel it. Thanks, Mr. Covey!
p.s. Reviews on Emily Dickinson's poetry and Napoleon Hill's How to Win Friends and Influence People coming soon!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Book Project: Laddie
My book project is alive and well! I am happy to report that I have finished my second book: Laddie, by Gene Stratton-Porter. It took me awhile because I read it in spurts
and bursts while reading other things at the same time, but nevertheless, I loved it! I highly recommend it to anyone
wanting to fill their souls with wholesome, georgic goodness.
It's got the warm-fuzzy feeling of Little Women with the
fascinating descriptive power of My Antonia. I learned so much
from the beautiful, captivating characters! Allow me to share
a few epiphanies I had. But first, a synopsis:
"Laddie is the story of Little Sister, the twelfth and youngest Stanton child, and her special relationship with her older brother Laddie, a paragon of virtue and intellectual and physical attainments. The story is about Little Sister, the "unwanted child" who becomes the joy of the Stanton family, and about the triumph of true love. Little Sister plays a key role in brining together the Princess--their mysterious neighbor, Pamela Pryor--and her beloved brother, Laddie. Love conquers all as the Pryors are revealed to be troubled but good people, and the Princess and her family are accepted by Laddie's proud but charitable family. Little Sister is finally recognized as a truly blessed child, a special gift to the Stantons."
and bursts while reading other things at the same time, but nevertheless, I loved it! I highly recommend it to anyone wanting to fill their souls with wholesome, georgic goodness.
It's got the warm-fuzzy feeling of Little Women with the
fascinating descriptive power of My Antonia. I learned so much
from the beautiful, captivating characters! Allow me to share
a few epiphanies I had. But first, a synopsis:
"Laddie is the story of Little Sister, the twelfth and youngest Stanton child, and her special relationship with her older brother Laddie, a paragon of virtue and intellectual and physical attainments. The story is about Little Sister, the "unwanted child" who becomes the joy of the Stanton family, and about the triumph of true love. Little Sister plays a key role in brining together the Princess--their mysterious neighbor, Pamela Pryor--and her beloved brother, Laddie. Love conquers all as the Pryors are revealed to be troubled but good people, and the Princess and her family are accepted by Laddie's proud but charitable family. Little Sister is finally recognized as a truly blessed child, a special gift to the Stantons."
(This synopsis was taken from the back of my book, which is the edition you see pictured above.)
I was surprised at how effortlessly this book captivated me. Not in a Hunger Games/Harry Potter way, but in a gentle way--the way one might be captivated watching a brook or a fire. I felt that I was bypassing thousands of deep, thought-provoking ideas and lessons, but I was so interested in what was going to happen on the next page, I didn't take much time to stop and think. Despite my eagerness to devour the plot, a few life-changing ideas leaped out at me from the page and would not let me pass until I had at least marked them.
At one point in the book, Little Sister becomes very sick with lung fever, setting the whole family at work to heal her. Her brother sent her a book of poetry, and in it she read a poem that stuck with her. It was something about the buttercups and daisies in the springtime. On page 239, she says:
"That piece helped me out of bed...It was funny about it too. I don't know why it worked on me that way; it just kept singing in my heart all day, and I could shut my eyes and go to sleep seeing buttercups in a gold sheet all over our Big Hill, although there never was a single one there; and the meadows full of daisies, which were things father said were a pest he couldn't tolerate, because they spread so, and he grubbed up every one he found...Between the buttercups and the daisies I lef the bed with a light head and wobbly legs...The person who wrote the piece was an idiot. It sang and sounded pretty, and it pulled you up and pushed you out, but really it was a fool thing, as I very well knew." She goes on to say on page 241: "There was nothing in the silly, untrue lines: the pull and tug was in what they made you think of."
That made me realize that we all need some sort of literature in our lives that makes us feel that way. We all need something--a favorite poem, book, painting or piece of music--that gets inside our souls so that we can hardly sit still until we do something that makes us feel alive!
At another part in the book, the family is traveling home from church. Mother has Father stop the carriage so she can look out and see where they first looked at their land and decided where to build their home. This is a family who has spent years laboring with all their might to beautify their land and make it a true Eden. Surveying the fruits of their labor, Mother exclaims, "The Home Feeling!...It is in my heart so big this morning I am filled with worship. Just filled with the spirit of worship." (pg. 278)
When I read this, I stopped to think for a minute. What does it take to create that "Home Feeling"? What does it take to create a home so beautiful, you sometimes have to step back, look at it with wonder, and say to yourself, "I created this?" What does it take to produce fruits so pure and good, you can't help but be "filled with the spirit of worship"? I'm not going to venture an answer just yet; I think it deserves pondering for awhile. I only know that, whatever it is, I want that "Home Feeling" for my family.
There are several things I could devote another couple thousand words to, but this post is already long enough. Suffice it to say, I love this book, I will be revisiting it many times in years to come, and I highly, glowingly recommend it!
Friday, October 28, 2011
One step closer to finding the middle ground
I've written a few posts about helping my baby to sleep, mostly when I was using the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth. I read several other books after that, searching for solutions and advice to suit my baby's needs. Reading all these different approaches caused a bit of an information
overload in my brain, and I was frustrated that I couldn't find one book
that really fit our family's personality. There are so many styles,
and so many different arguments to support each one. I decided the best, most sensible book I read was Attachment Parenting by Dr. Sears.
The basic tenets of Attachment Parenting are as follows: that our ultimate goal as parents should be to shape our children to be happy, trusting, compassionate, gentle, obedient, and independent individuals; that the foundation of this shaping comes from giving our children a secure base of trust and good communication in early infancy; that we begin to create this security by babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and always responding to their cries.
Sounds fantastic, doesn't it? I mean, that is my ultimate goal as a parent. I want my son to be kind, obedient, and communicative. I want him to be socially secure and confident. I want him to feel safe, especially when he's with those who love him. And most of all, I want him to be happy. So we tried it.
We began co-sleeping, bringing him in bed with us after his first night waking. He began waking up more often at night (which I knew would happen as a result of co-sleeping), but instead of having to sit up and rock him to sleep so I could put him back in his bassinet, I simply nursed him until he fell asleep. I loved cuddling with him, and I felt like our nights were much more peaceful. I held him and rocked him until he was fully asleep for naps and bedtimes, and learned to be ready to do it again if he awoke and cried 20 minutes later--which he very often did. I also started wearing Noah in the Moby wrap more, and you already know some of my positive experiences with wearing it. I was already breastfeeding on demand, so that was no problem. And I never let him cry if I could help it.
However, my first blissful week of Attachment Parenting did not really carry over to the next. The main problem was with--you guessed it--naps and nighttime. I tired of spending hours at a time glued to the couch while I rocked my baby to sleep over and over again in attempts to give him a good nap. Noah got so used to me holding him as he falls asleep that Tyler had a very hard time soothing him if I happened to be gone for naps or bedtime. And the whole waking up every two hours to nurse him back to sleep at night was a problem. Co-sleeping was the greatest disappointment. Attachment Parenting does a good job of painting a beautiful, peaceful picture of co-sleeping, without addressing any of the potential problems or technical issues. Co-sleeping is no fun, for instance, when your baby eats too much from nursing all night and spits up all over you and your side of the bed. Then you have to get up, find towels, put a new pair of pajamas on (if you even have a clean pair of pajamas available), and mop up your baby's face--all of which do a great job of thoroughly waking the little stinker up. And sleeping only 90 minutes out of every two hours quickly becomes a form of slow, monotonous torture, even if all those groups of 90 minutes combine for a total of 7 hours.
***I have to interject here for a moment and say that reading and applying Attachment Parenting did one really good thing for me. It helped me to stop stressing when things don't work out my way (which I was doing a lot of before). It helped me realize that the relationship Noah and I build while he's awake is more important than the amount of sleep he gets. It helped me to relax and be happy, no matter what happens--or doesn't happen--during the day. It was worth reading Dr. Sears' book just for that purpose. I still love the philosophy behind Attachment Parenting, and I plan to use as many of their methods as I can to raise my children. ***
When I looked up solutions to these problems, most of what I found suggested that mom moves out of the bed while Dad does all the nighttime parenting (so that the baby can learn to fall asleep without snacking). Sorry, baby. This might sound selfish, but it was my bed first. Giving up sleeping in my own bed was not happening. The most discouraging suggestion was from Dr. Sears himself. The only advice he had for parents that have trouble co-sleeping is that Baby might not like to sleep so close to his parents, and that we should invest another $150 in a special co-sleeping bed that might or might not solve our problem. Really, Dr. Sears? That's all you've got for me? Gah.
I knew there had to be some middle ground--some way to teach my baby to soothe himself and get him to sleep for longer than two hours at a time (or 20 minutes for naps) while still enjoying a wonderful, perfectly attached relationship. So I brought my concern to my pediatrician, who suggested a controlled cry-it-out method. I was getting quite desperate, so we decided to try it, despite Attachment Parenting's insistence that leaving your baby alone to cry is an awful thing to do.
I spent the first night crying as much as he did. More, probably--he only cried for 45 minutes. I cried for most of the evening, convinced that I had broken his heart, that he had only stopped crying because he had abandoned hope of us ever coming back, that I was damaging our relationship forever.
I knew I couldn't do this unless I found reason to believe that I wasn't ruining my child's emotional well-being for the rest of his life. So the next day I hit the internet, in search for that middle ground. I searched for a good while before coming across two articles that put my mind at ease:
http://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/cry-it-out-personality/
http://goodenoughmummy.typepad.com/good_enough_mum/2006/07/cio_sleep_train.html
I realize that articles on the internet are on an entirely different level from well-researched, expert-written books. But these two women express something that's sat in the back of my mind from the first time I picked up a book on infant sleep: that there is no "perfect" solution or parenting style for every family. 90% of these authors have no problem assuring you that their book is the Bible of sleep. Well, they're wrong. Attachment Parenting will not work for every family. Ferberizing will not work for every family. Neither will Babywise, or The Baby Whisperer, or Dr. Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits. It's a feel-your-own-way kind of game. Books can do a great deal to help you find solutions, but really the perfect solution for your family is whatever works.
If there are any parents reading this, you're probably going, "Duh, Sarah. Lesson number one." But this really is a huge discovery--and a huge relief--for me. So with my new discovery, I decided to keep following my doctor's advice to let Noah soothe himself to sleep--even if that meant a bit of crying.
It's night five. I went through our usual bedtime routine with Noah, kissed his forehead, and laid him in his crib, drowsy but still awake. I left his bedroom as he fell peacefully, quietly, soundly asleep all by himself. I'm not anticipating an end to all of our nighttime challenges, but I have found resolution for now, and I found it--hallelujah!--with the Ferber method. I still love the philosophy behind Attachment Parenting, and I plan to use as many of their methods as I can to raise my children. But I have also come to the conclusion that Dr. Sears is hardly the end-all when it comes to sleep.
My best friend told me not long ago, "YOU write the book on YOUR baby." I have to thank her, because that is the most powerful and truest advice I've received so far. So thank you, friend. I think I will.
The basic tenets of Attachment Parenting are as follows: that our ultimate goal as parents should be to shape our children to be happy, trusting, compassionate, gentle, obedient, and independent individuals; that the foundation of this shaping comes from giving our children a secure base of trust and good communication in early infancy; that we begin to create this security by babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and always responding to their cries.
Sounds fantastic, doesn't it? I mean, that is my ultimate goal as a parent. I want my son to be kind, obedient, and communicative. I want him to be socially secure and confident. I want him to feel safe, especially when he's with those who love him. And most of all, I want him to be happy. So we tried it.
We began co-sleeping, bringing him in bed with us after his first night waking. He began waking up more often at night (which I knew would happen as a result of co-sleeping), but instead of having to sit up and rock him to sleep so I could put him back in his bassinet, I simply nursed him until he fell asleep. I loved cuddling with him, and I felt like our nights were much more peaceful. I held him and rocked him until he was fully asleep for naps and bedtimes, and learned to be ready to do it again if he awoke and cried 20 minutes later--which he very often did. I also started wearing Noah in the Moby wrap more, and you already know some of my positive experiences with wearing it. I was already breastfeeding on demand, so that was no problem. And I never let him cry if I could help it.
However, my first blissful week of Attachment Parenting did not really carry over to the next. The main problem was with--you guessed it--naps and nighttime. I tired of spending hours at a time glued to the couch while I rocked my baby to sleep over and over again in attempts to give him a good nap. Noah got so used to me holding him as he falls asleep that Tyler had a very hard time soothing him if I happened to be gone for naps or bedtime. And the whole waking up every two hours to nurse him back to sleep at night was a problem. Co-sleeping was the greatest disappointment. Attachment Parenting does a good job of painting a beautiful, peaceful picture of co-sleeping, without addressing any of the potential problems or technical issues. Co-sleeping is no fun, for instance, when your baby eats too much from nursing all night and spits up all over you and your side of the bed. Then you have to get up, find towels, put a new pair of pajamas on (if you even have a clean pair of pajamas available), and mop up your baby's face--all of which do a great job of thoroughly waking the little stinker up. And sleeping only 90 minutes out of every two hours quickly becomes a form of slow, monotonous torture, even if all those groups of 90 minutes combine for a total of 7 hours.
***I have to interject here for a moment and say that reading and applying Attachment Parenting did one really good thing for me. It helped me to stop stressing when things don't work out my way (which I was doing a lot of before). It helped me realize that the relationship Noah and I build while he's awake is more important than the amount of sleep he gets. It helped me to relax and be happy, no matter what happens--or doesn't happen--during the day. It was worth reading Dr. Sears' book just for that purpose. I still love the philosophy behind Attachment Parenting, and I plan to use as many of their methods as I can to raise my children. ***
When I looked up solutions to these problems, most of what I found suggested that mom moves out of the bed while Dad does all the nighttime parenting (so that the baby can learn to fall asleep without snacking). Sorry, baby. This might sound selfish, but it was my bed first. Giving up sleeping in my own bed was not happening. The most discouraging suggestion was from Dr. Sears himself. The only advice he had for parents that have trouble co-sleeping is that Baby might not like to sleep so close to his parents, and that we should invest another $150 in a special co-sleeping bed that might or might not solve our problem. Really, Dr. Sears? That's all you've got for me? Gah.
I knew there had to be some middle ground--some way to teach my baby to soothe himself and get him to sleep for longer than two hours at a time (or 20 minutes for naps) while still enjoying a wonderful, perfectly attached relationship. So I brought my concern to my pediatrician, who suggested a controlled cry-it-out method. I was getting quite desperate, so we decided to try it, despite Attachment Parenting's insistence that leaving your baby alone to cry is an awful thing to do.
I spent the first night crying as much as he did. More, probably--he only cried for 45 minutes. I cried for most of the evening, convinced that I had broken his heart, that he had only stopped crying because he had abandoned hope of us ever coming back, that I was damaging our relationship forever.
I knew I couldn't do this unless I found reason to believe that I wasn't ruining my child's emotional well-being for the rest of his life. So the next day I hit the internet, in search for that middle ground. I searched for a good while before coming across two articles that put my mind at ease:
http://www.babysleepsite.com/sleep-training/cry-it-out-personality/
http://goodenoughmummy.typepad.com/good_enough_mum/2006/07/cio_sleep_train.html
I realize that articles on the internet are on an entirely different level from well-researched, expert-written books. But these two women express something that's sat in the back of my mind from the first time I picked up a book on infant sleep: that there is no "perfect" solution or parenting style for every family. 90% of these authors have no problem assuring you that their book is the Bible of sleep. Well, they're wrong. Attachment Parenting will not work for every family. Ferberizing will not work for every family. Neither will Babywise, or The Baby Whisperer, or Dr. Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits. It's a feel-your-own-way kind of game. Books can do a great deal to help you find solutions, but really the perfect solution for your family is whatever works.
If there are any parents reading this, you're probably going, "Duh, Sarah. Lesson number one." But this really is a huge discovery--and a huge relief--for me. So with my new discovery, I decided to keep following my doctor's advice to let Noah soothe himself to sleep--even if that meant a bit of crying.
It's night five. I went through our usual bedtime routine with Noah, kissed his forehead, and laid him in his crib, drowsy but still awake. I left his bedroom as he fell peacefully, quietly, soundly asleep all by himself. I'm not anticipating an end to all of our nighttime challenges, but I have found resolution for now, and I found it--hallelujah!--with the Ferber method. I still love the philosophy behind Attachment Parenting, and I plan to use as many of their methods as I can to raise my children. But I have also come to the conclusion that Dr. Sears is hardly the end-all when it comes to sleep.
My best friend told me not long ago, "YOU write the book on YOUR baby." I have to thank her, because that is the most powerful and truest advice I've received so far. So thank you, friend. I think I will.
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